A fun and easy way to get your message out to thousands, even millions of
people, is through the medium of talk radio. Although firmly in the
trenches of the right, it's still possible to get a liberal point of view
onto the airwaves by following these easy steps:
When the screener asks you what you want to
talk about, be sure and tell them something relatively innocuous but
tangentially relatable to the point you want to make.
If possible, use a slightly southern or hick accent - they're more likely to
put you on and the AM audience is more likely to relate to you.
Don't go straight to your main point - get there incrementally. Remember
there's a seven-second delay and they'll cut you off if you go too far or
get there too fast.
Here are some
The Drudge Report
Fox New Live with Alan Colmes
The Stacy Taylor Show
The Savage Nation
Topic: Ad submitted
to Moveon.org comparing Bush to Hitler
Screener: "Whaddaya wanna say to
Me: "Yeah, I'm a member of MoveOn.org and I just think this whole
Bush-Hitler thing is ridiculous!"
Screener: "Alright... hold for
Drudge and go straight to your point. Don't ask him how he's doing, okay?"
Drudge: Line Five, Jason in
California, you're on the air.
Jason (me): Oh yeah, hey there Matt. This business about Bush being Hitler,
that's just ridiculous... Hitler's Dead!
Drudge: Well they say it's not
Auschwitz yet... it's coming, it's not yet.
Jason: Bush is a lot more like David Koresh the way I see it. Y'know he
talks to God, he's got a little ranch outside of Waco - sees everything in
terms of good and evil... He ain't no Hitler.
Jason: Just 'cuz his grandpa supported Hitler, an' maybe his dad might've
supported Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden... y'know, ya can't tar George
W. with the sins of his fathers...
Drudge: Well, y'know they try,
they try... yes...
Jason: Now I just wanted to say...
Drudge: As they salute Armand
Jason: Now I just wanted to say a little thing about dirty laundry... and
uh, now we got what? We got 485 people dead, we got somethin' like 2,700
seriously wounded over there... That's over thirty-two hundred blood-soaked
U.S. uniforms, y'know? An' I'm thinkin' we impeached Clinton over one lousy
dress. Ain't that funny? Ah mean... Ain't that a hoot? Makes me think
what-the-hell, who says a superpower can't be a laughingstock? Y'know what I
Drudge: Thank you sir... (hangs
up) Yeah, he was, he was real clever. I think maybe he was submitting his 30
second ad here that we'll have Michael Moore and Donna Brazil judge
tomorrow. He's a Bushwhacker... he's one of the original Bushwhackers.
Topic: The Catholic Church and
the War in Iraq
Guest: Father Donahue, a
stridently pro-war priest who holds the War in Iraq adheres to the Church's
notion of a "Just War", (no
matter what the Pope says...)
Me: "Jason from Oceanside" (with mild hick/Nascar dad accent)
Warning: This text gets very graphic.
Jason: "Thanks for having me on Alan - I consider myself to be a god-fearing
Christian and a big supporter of my country and I just wanna tell you about
the sermon I listened to yesterday in church. The subject was "Who would
Jesus Bomb?" and the answer was pretty much 'nobody.' The major point the p
riest was making was that bombing, ALL bombing... was just plain cowardly,
and it didn't matter if it was us doing it or anybody else, but what it all
boiled down to was that bombing is cowardly and Jesus wouldn't support it.
And he said his inspiration for the sermon had come from the Pentagon itself
- when they said the reason they thought the Iraqi Army folded so quickly
was because they were mostly just conscripts, y'know... just kids pulled
from outta their villages... So I gotta wonder why, y'know... why we gotta
kill all these kids who had nothin' to do with it... "
Alan: So what do you say father?
This is what's being said in some churches."
Father Donahue: Uhhh yeah, I
think they should find another religion - why don't they become Quakers? My
religion, Roman Catholicism, rejects that totally and that's why they have
the most sophisticated understanding of what a Just War...
Alan Colmes: This is priests who
are saying this... Catholic Priests!
Father Donohue: That's right and
you'll find, uh, no end to the number of nuns in this country who are
pro-abortion and nobody wants to talk about that - all I'm telling you is
they don't represent the teachings of the Catholic Church. The teachings of
the Catholic church are found in the catechism, the ministry of the Pope
Alan Colmes: Alright Jason, thanks for your call...
Jason: May I? May I just interject one more time?
Jason: The most striking thing that he talked about was something called
"overpressure", which is not the explosive force of the bomb but the
pressure wave that radiates around the bomb... and that what that does is
that it implodes the sinuses and the eardrums of the people who are there...
AC: Yeah, Bombing isn't good for
Jason: and that what happens is your cerebral spinal fluid - your brain
fluid, leaks out through your nose and through your ears...
Jason: And that you don't die right away... You're as good as dead, but you
don't die right away...
AC: (Uncomfortable) Right,
Jason: And that these are just kids... That was the point he was really
trying to make - these were just kids pulled outta villages! and they don't
have a Chance! They didn't have a Chance to fight back... And they just
gotta lie there - starin' up at the sky and prayin' to whatever God they got
to pray to...
AC: (Throughout) Uh, yeah,
right... right, uh right...
Jason: While their brain fluid is drippin' out through their nose and
through their ears...
AC: Uh Jason I gotta move on...
Jason: And it's our tax dollars that are payin' for this...
AC: Uh, Jason, thank you for
your call, I thank you very much.
Protection Agency halts construction of a strip mall because it's site is
the only known habitat for a particular species of fly.
Screener: "Stacy Taylor Show."
Me: (thick southern accent) "Yeah, ah've been a hunter just about all my
life and frankly ah've just about had it with these environmentalist whackos!"
Screener: "Okay, what's your
name and where you from?"
Me: "I'm Phil callin' from Ocean Beach."
Stacy Taylor: Okay now let's go
to... Phil from Ocean Beach...
Phil: Hey Stacy... I tell ya, this fly thing - it's them 'environmentalist
whackos I'm tellin' ya...
Stacy: Them environmentalist
Phil: I tell ya... I'm a Bald Eagle hunter myself, and I can't tell ya...
Stacy: (laughs) A bald eagle
Phil: Yep, an' I can't tell you the problems I have huntin' eagles an' it's
all because of this "endangered species"... bull! If ya ask me...
Stacy: Are you doin'... are you
being a little sarcastic here Phil?
Phil: Not at all sir, not at all. Musta been five years ago I saw a bald
eagle try to take away a little baby from its mother (voice cracking with
emotion) an' ever since then I've dedicated my life to exterminating Bald
Eagles from the face of this planet... and believe me, it's not an easy job!
Stacy: Uhh, yeah, I'm sure...
I'm sure it's tough out there. Look uh, there's an organization out there
just for you man, and the organization... have you heard of PETA?
Stacy: I don't mean People for
the Ethical Treatment of Animals, I mean the alternate version, it's called
People Eating Tasty Animals.
Phil: (laughs) Well, lemme tell ya I actually have had Bald Eagle and it's
not a bad tasting bird!
Stacy: You have not! What're you
talkin' about man?
Phil: Well, you can believe what you like...
Stacy: You've eaten Bald Eagle.
Phil: Yessir. Lord knows them flies probably ain't too tasty though.
Stacy: Yeah, otherwise they'd
all be dead.
Phil: Well I'm workin' on them Eagles for the same damn reason.
Stacy: Phil, just work on the
flies, leave the eagles alone - they're a symbol of this great country for
cryin' out loud.
Phil: Yeah, well that's what they say - they say it's an endangered species
an all but as far as I'm concerned, that don' mean nothin'!
Stacy: Okay, okay... thanks for
the call Phil. Chill out now.
I made this call
about a week after Savage lost his cable TV show for exploding at a caller
he termed a "sodomite" and saying he should "die of AIDS". I was hoping with
my call to bait him into saying something similarly stupid and possibly
getting him off the airwaves entirely. Failing that, I hoped I might give
him an aneurysm. Came pretty damn close too.
Savage: Okay, I wanna hear from
you callers out there, the ones who were raised by leftist parents... all
you red-diaper doper babies out there. I wanna hear if you liked them, if
they screwed you up, whatever. Our first call's from Justin in Los Angeles.
Justin, welcome to the Savage Nation.
Justin (Me): Hi Michael. I'm definitely one of those kids-of-leftists. My
father was very big into civil rights and poverty issues back in the
sixties. I hate to disappoint you though: he wasn't a hippie or anything
like that, he was more a nerdy kind of activist, you know, the kind with
Justin: And I guess, 'cuz he spent a lot of time trying to help out other
people and his causes and the like, he wasn't really home all that much, or
not as much as he could've been, and I know it must've had some impact on
the family, but y'know what?
Justin: You aren't fit to lick his boots.
Savage: (enraged) What?! What
the hell do you know about me? What the hell do you know about anything? You
don't know anything about me, about what I've done... about my work in
nutrition, in conservation... anything! How would you know anything about
Justin: Well, I hear what you say on the radio...
Savage: You don't know anything!
You're just stupid, like the rest of them, what do you know?
Justin: I've heard your mother still cries when you try to seduce her.
Savage: WHAT! YOU BASTARD! You
FILTHY FILTHY BASTARD! You just come here and say that! You just come down
to the studio... any time any place, I swear to god you filthy, filthy
miserable leftist commie son of a bitch...(etc. etc. for another minute or