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We appreciate (and reserve the right to publish) your letters, photos and suggestions. 
Send mail to faithpartner@abstinenceonly.com

 

From our readers:
 WARNING: not for the squeamish
 


 

Dear AbstinenceOnly,

My boss and I have been carrying on a kind of abstinent non-affair for several years now (He's married.) To sublimate the sexual tension between us we like to launch billions of dollars worth of high explosives from aircraft and submarines into heavily
populated urban areas in the Middle East. Afterwards we watch films of the attacks with Donnie and Dick, our officemates, who like to wear leather masks and
ball-gags while masturbating and making soft gurgling noises.

I know it doesn't sound ladylike, but looking at those explosions and imagining all those people dying in a horrific spray of blood, fire, bone, gristle, tissue and sinew... it just gets me slicker than scum off a Louisiana swamp. Then my boss, bless his soul, reaches over and gently holds my hand.

-Condoleezza R. (address withheld by request)
 
GOING FOR THE JUGULAR

Dear AbstinenceOnly,

Thank you so much for your fine, informative website. While traditional abstinence education may work for some, it doesn't do much for hot and horny Christians like me and my girlfriend. Here is a safe and fun ejaculatory technique we've developed that I think your readers will enjoy: after a rousing bout of tea-bagging and titfucking my faith partner, I hold my prayer-rod firmly against her carotid artery (see illustration) until I ejaculate. She says it feels like I'm coming straight into her brain! (although mostly it just gets in her hair...) Thanks again for the great site!

-Dave in Macon, GA
 
Dear AbstinenceOnly,

I've been abstinent now for 43 years, which might seem like a long time to all the "cool" guys out there, but believe me, there are plenty of things you can do while waiting for the right person to come into your life.

Greased long-neck beer bottles are great for a weekend fling, and you can try something more exotic---say a green Heineken empty---when you're in the mood for something more "continental". Just make sure you keep a hammer close by in case your penile girth outstrips that of said bottle neck.

Raw liver rocks! Try putting a large slice in the microwave on low heat for 40 seconds for that body-temperature feeling. Personalize the liver. Call it "Shirley, or "Delores"... Just make sure Mom doesn't hear you or she'll be demanding you invite a slice of offal over for dinner...

Name withheld by request
 
Dear AbstinenceOnly,

I never thought something like this would happen to me.

A bunch of us from our church group got bored one day and started masturbating each other through our clothes in the rectory. Guys were rubbing girls who were rubbing guys in a great big daisy-chain of abstinence I'll remember for as long as I'll live.

Anyway, I was nestled between the legs of this girl I'd been watching in Bible study, while somebody else was rubbing away at my crotch. There was another girl laying across my chest and I had this great view of her breasts. Suddenly I felt this surge of energy, like a great white light. The Holy Spirit had entered me and immediately exited into my pants.

But then the girl who's breasts I'd been lusting after got up and I discovered that I'd just been masturbated through my jeans by my cousin Karl.

Does this mean I'm gay? Is it gay if you don't know it's a guy? To make matters worse, my dog has started humping my leg a lot, and I think I'm enjoying it. What does that mean?

Sincerely,

Wondering in Walla Walla