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The Bible states it plainly in Leviticus: “Man shall not lie with man as he does with woman.” So there you have it: Standard Missionary is right out. For the gals: you’re off the hook. Anything goes. As far as the Lord’s concerned, it’s Beaver Season all year ‘round.

In the interest of avoiding STDs, and believe me there are some doozies out there, you gents might want to keep it to blowjobs, and we mean this literally: Take your faith buddy’s penis and blow on it from a distance. Or you can rub it against your face, neck, buttocks, etc. (see “Anal Abstinence”.)