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Dear Doctor Frist, You recently implied it was possible
to contract AIDS through tears and that simply touching another
persons genitals could result in pregnancy. Is this true?
Signed, Young and Scared
Dear Young and Scared,
When I said that you could get AIDS from tears what I meant was
that getting AIDS could make you cry. Also, you CAN get pregnant
from simply touching another person's genitals, providing
they're ejaculating and you're touching them with your cervix. I
hope this clears things up for you. Remember also that whenever
you masturbate, God kills a kitten.
Yours Truly, Senate Majority Leader, Dr. Bill Frist
Dear Dr. Frist,
My girlfriend and I have been faithfucking through our
underwear for the past several months. We’re both nineteen,
fairly good-looking and have some of the greatest sex either of
us has ever experienced, and believe it or not, she comes more
than I do! (I’ve recently been practicing a sort of zen-tantric
form of ejaculatory control.) Even though I rarely ejaculate per
se, I have been secreting copious amounts of seminal fluid,
which, combined with the juice from her horny young pussy, turns
our underwear into a veritable swamp of hot, youthful, sexual
juices. My question is this, while I know that pre-ejaculatory
seminal fluid contains a certain amount of live spermatozoa,
what are the chances, realistically speaking, that one might be
able to swim through the fabric, up her vagina and actually
impregnate her?
Signed, Youthful Adonis
Dear Youthful Adonis,
It’s letters like yours that make this job great. If only my
duties as Senate Majority Leader could be so rewarding. To
answer your question, while there’s certainly a chance of
impregnation, it’s a relatively small one: if I were you I’d
just stick with what you’re doing. If she gets pregnant, so
what? You’re both still technically abstinent and she can always
have an abortion. Better yet, have the child and raise him or
her with a strong emphasis on athletic training and we may be
seeing Olympic Gold for the U.S.A. swim team in 2024!
Just to be on the safe side, immediately after faithfucking, put
both your undies in a Ziploc bag and mail them to me, Senate
Majority Leader Bill Frist, and I’ll check for sperm content
using what we doctors call the “ol’ sniff-test”.
Yours Truly, Bill Frist
P.S.: Please include photos.
A
Special Note to you Gals…
Girls, make no mistake: your virginity is the most valuable
and precious thing you have. Don’t waste it. I say this not only
as a doctor and man of faith, but also as a political leader
with close personal ties to rich, powerful men willing to pay
millions for virgins in their twenties. Seriously: Millions.
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